Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Vengeance is Tacky

Congratulations! You've successfully developed the world's most realistic bird poop stickers! But you've got a problem: Unlike the faux street cred of bullet hole stickers, there is nothing to be gained by simulating bird poop on one's own car, and cars in even the tamest of neighborhoods are nailed by the real thing for free.

Solution: It's a prank! And not just a prank on friends, because then your customers would not have a reason to buy many stickers. No, this product is a cathartic prank, the perfect way for petty, vindictive people to strike back at the world in an ineffectual, barely noticeable manner:

I don’t suppose you have ever had someone take your parking spot or came across a car taking up 2 spots when the lot is full. If you are like me that is frustrating even infuriating; it is down right selfish. I used to get mad but now I just get even by splatting the guilty party. This funny prank is actually stress relieving, it truly is “Cheaper than Therapy!” Why keep all that stress pent up inside when you can simply use one of these hilarious bird crap stickers and turn the stress to laughter.

Wow. It's not just a juvenile prank, it's bona fide vigilante justice. Too bad Michael Douglas didn't have a pack of these in Falling Down or all that violence could have been avoided. I really want to see the angry guy on the verge of violent rage who chooses instead to apply a bird poop sticker and comes away laughing. Then again, maybe I don't, because that man is clearly insane.

On their website, there is an actual picture of a sticker on a Hummer bumper, but when you cut and paste it you get this caption:

long bird poop on hummer, what a funny prank

... which is actually far better.

There are numerous uses for this funny joke. When I get bad service at a business they get splatted. If I totally disagree with some ridiculous bumper sticker, I just show’em how I really feel and put a splat right on the bumper sticker. It is inevitable when you wash your car that the real birds will find it. With Bird Splats you can get your friends car when he/she washes it. If your school’s mascot is a bird you have “(mascot’s name) bombs” ready to get your rivals cars when they come to play. Bad food at a restaurant, send a splat back on the plate. Cop give you a traffic ticket. . . you get the picture. I dare you! Let your imagination run wild as you think of people and situations to use Bird Splats or Dribble Splats on.

And here we get an object lesson in the dark side of vigilante justice as it all spirals completely out of control. Someone disagrees with you? Thought crime! Nail 'em! Suddenly you are retailating at even the tiniest inconveniences, offenses that have nothing to do with cars. Random, stupid acting out at businesses and plates, where fake bird poop would be out of place and not even convincing. Hope you're not planning to patronize that restaurant again! (Whatever happened to just leaving a bad tip?) You're striking back at cops for daring to enforce laws that you yourself broke. You began as a merry prankster and have become a miniature bird poop fascist, striking down all who displease you for any reason.

Would these people even make the connection to their offending behavior? More likely most people would mistake the sticker on their car for real poop and not look too closely until days later, at which point they might wonder why a sane person would ever have applied such a sticker.

Bird Splats and Dribble Splats are the most realistic bird crap stickers available. They are developed from digital pictures of real bird crap. So real they are sure to fool anyone. They are expensive but well worth the cost between $2.49 a sheet down to $1.00 per sheet when bought in volume.

Don't be fooled by inferior imitations, folks. And whether you buy in bulk or not, it's still "Cheaper than Therapy!"



Tommaso Sciortino said...

I was reading this and though "Bird-poop sticker fascists? In a word with Guantanamo Bay, indefinite detention of US Citizens, and torture is it really ok to trivialize the issue?"

Then I realized I was becoming a humorless old churl. Funny stuff!

Rodimus Prime said...

I guess this guy never sticks around to see the intended "victim" scrub at it, only to realize it's a sticker. Then again, I guess if you try washing it off first there's that humor but really, this is what we've come to as a society? Wow.