Friday, June 09, 2006

Partially Blogging the MTV Movie Awards Long After the Initial Airing

Jessica Alba is hosting the awards. It’s true that she has virtually no screen presence while acting, nor has she ever starred in a movie worth watching (her small role in Sin City doesn't count). But she is hot. So hot that she’s now hosting the MTV Movie Awards despite having virtually no screen presence and never having starred in a movie worth watching. You have to be pretty hot to do that.

Gnarls Barkley performs while dressed as Star Wars characters. Apparently these guys are some kind of a big deal now. I don’t like that they’re named after Charles Barkley. That’s like cheating on name recognition—tricking people into thinking they’ve heard of you. I hope we do not get other bands now called Gnichael Jordan or Gnagic Johnson.

Has that joke been done before? It feels too obvious to be unique.

Jessica Alba introduces Matt Dillon, Kate Hudson, and Owen Wilson—(“the stars of You, Me and Dupree”) to introduce Best Villain. They discuss Dillon’s evil Crash character, as well as whether Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson’s dishonest romantic comedy characters ought to be considered villains. Well, the whole discussion is flawed, because first of all, Dillon’s role in Crash is more than just a villain, which is the whole point of the movie, and second of all, how do you talk about Dillon’s villain roles without bringing up his tour-de-force performance as Trip Murphy in Herbie: Fully Loaded? I am serious. Whatever you think of Herbie, I think we can all agree it was better than Crash.

Hayden Christensen wins Best Villain for his performance as Anakin Skywalker, which for the losers must feel like getting your ass kicked by Stephen Hawking. Christensen accepts his award wearing a baseball cap, which totally hides his face. He says “Thank you,” then turns, confused, to the cheering section behind him, which picks up on their cue to clap a beat too late.

The thing is, Anakin really isn’t a villain, not even in Episode III. At this point, he’s still a hero, albeit a fallen one. Really, the villain is Palpatine, so the whole award is flawed.

Next, Rebecca Romjin and Famke Janssen introduce Sexiest Performance, teasing the audience with a bit about getting naked and applying Romjin’s blue X-Men body paint. The fact that the category includes Beyonce from The Pink Panther and Rob Schneider from Deuce Bigalow 2 is a giveaway that it’s all just a big joke. Jessica Alba wins for Sin City, which is the most legitimate nomination of the bunch, but Alba's performance is still so irrelevant that the award might be better described as Sexiest Person Who Happened to be in a Movie. She thanks her fans—the reason she does movies, obviously—and seizes the opportunity to make a difference in the world. With her fist raised high, she exhorts the audience to “practice safe sex and drive hybrids if you can.” Well done, Jessica. Well done.

Jessica Alba introduces Kate Beckinsale and Adam Sandler from Click. Okay, quick side note: Click, like Scream, has a premise that was done first, and in all likelihood, better, by the TV version of Weird Science. See the episode "Universal Remote" for a clever take on the premise that’s the only remote-controlling-your-life-story you’ll ever need. Similarly, the episode "Bikini Camp Slasher" is a funnier, less serious take on the horror-movie-survival-rules premise that Scream congratulates itself so much for thinking up.

Sandler and Beckinsale shill for Click for awhile. Then, for Best Performance there are like a million nominees from all different kinds of movies. Jake Gyllenhaal in Brokeback Mountain beats Steve Carell from 40-Year-Old Virgin, which is all kinds of a travesty. This is an interesting chance to see what stars are like when they win an award they don’t give a shit about by beating others they never should have been competing against.

Next Jessica Alba, in a King Kong parody, plays a drunken realtor in a negligee trying to sell King Kong some cliffside property despite dinosaur neighbors who have noisy sex. Maybe I’m missing something, not having seen the movie. Half the fun of these bits is recognizing the film scene being recontextualized. I guess Naomi Watts was in a negligee in King Kong and so that part is necessary to integrate the clips? Plus it’s an excuse to put Jessica Alba in a negligee. She's constantly swigging liquor from a flask and stumbling around drunkenly, in a detail that seems calculated to titillate guys who can imagine she's drunk enough to have sex with them.

The bit suffers from the standard confusion that results from shoehorning sexy girls into comedy; that is, the viewer doesn't know whether to laugh or have an erection. The sexual undertones of King King make the latter option feel creepy, so instead the time is spent watching a sexy girl and feeling uncomfortable about it. Gorgeous women really have their work cut out for them as far as performing comedy is concerned. You have to be pretty funny to make people forget how gorgeous you are. Jessica Alba tries hard, but is not quite funny enough for that.

Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly, dressed in race suits to plug Talladega Nights, would disagree. They clap enthusiastically.

Now some multiplatinum king I’ve never heard of takes the stage to introduce a performance by Christina Aguilera. She was always the most vocally talented of the teenybopper pop stars, but now, against all odds, she has also emerged as the classiest. How the hell did that happen? It seems like only yesterday her name was synonymous with Dirty Whore. I guess she just had to get it out of her system all at once. Now she’s all ‘50s glamour chick. It even looks like she’s not ugly anymore. Kudos to her.

Ferrell and Reilly are presenters now, but in character, the better to plug Serious Sounding Title: The Story of Will Ferrell’s Character With a Silly Name, which follows the mold set by Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. They thank a bunch of sponsors, and there aren’t really any jokes but they do have southern accents. I guess presenting in character is enough. The award is Best Comedic Performance. Why wasn’t Steve Carell in this category? Oh wait, he is. Then why was he in the other category? He wins, beating out both Wedding Crashers guys. A pleasant surprise. He thanks Eli Whitney, Jonas Salk and George Foreman, Gandhi and the Dalai Lama, and Kelly Clarkson in a fairly funny acceptance speech that he actually bothered to write.

LL Cool J honors Spike Lee’s Do the Right Thing and presents him with an enormous MTV popcorn thing. Spike Lee thanks some people and laments that his movie has solved nothing.

Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock continue the run of presenters who happen to be co-starring in an upcoming movie. Until now, I didn’t realize that The Lake House was reprising their pairing from Speed. Keanu looks meatier and older than he did in the Matrices. The Best Onscreen Team nominations amazingly include another one for The Dukes of Hazzard (previously nominated for Sexiest Peformance), along with a nom for the chemistry-free cast of Fantastic 4. It’s one thing to nominate trashy movies, but they should at least be good in the category they’re nominated for. I wouldn’t have a problem with Dukes if the category was, I don’t know, Best Performance By a Car. Or Fantastic 4 in Best… Best… um… Best Undeservedly Successful Movie Made Last Year About the Fantastic Four?

Wedding Crashers wins, and Owen Wilson ironically accepts the award alone. Vince Vaughn accepts via videotape.

Did you know that Jessica Simpson is starring in a movie with Dane Cook? You do now, because they’re introducing AFI together. Then, Rosario Dawson from Clerks II and Ludacris from Heart of the Game. Wait, what? They’re from different movies?! My mind just broke. Seriously, this is just a conspiracy to keep Brian O’Halloran’s career from finally taking off.

The two African-Americans complain about how annoying it is when people don’t shout at the screen in movie theaters. Well, okay. I guess they really needed to put two black presenters together. And who ever heard of two black people in one movie? You’re forgiven, MTV. Just make sure the next two present a unified front when it comes to telling me what movies I should go see.

Never mind, TiVo thought the show ended here. Lucky us.


Anonymous said...

You fuckin' call this partially blogging?


I'm sorry. I had to.

lyan! said...

I assumed it was because Kenny does it half-assed.

No, thanks for blogging about part of that showing so I could continue not to care.
In other mtv news, I saw the Music Awards show at some point last fall and where they really censor that pretty well stateside, you were able to hear one of Fiddisent's more vocal bouncer-friends talk a big ball of poop towards some other rapper-playmate. It was funny.
Point is J-MTV is like MTV uncensored.