I didn't start at the beginning, but whatever.
Nice to see Lauren Bacall, but she's having trouble reading the teleprompter. This is really uncomfortable.
The Daily-Show-style negative campaign ads for Best Actress were really good.
J.Lo looks awful, unrecognizably awful. She barely looks like a person.
The best song number from Crash is even more irritating than the movie. There is a burning car on stage and people reaching out to each other in slow motion. Man, is it pretentious.
The songs in the commercials are better than the songs nominated for best song. The song in the Diet Coke ad is pretty good.
Oh, good, Jon Stewart made fun of the Crash number. "If you are trying to escape a burning car, my suggestion would be not to move in slow motion."
Wow, the MPAA president and Jake Gyllenhaal are really hard-selling the theatrical experience. "Good luck enjoying [epic films] on a portable DVD," Gyllenhaal snits clumsily, which elicits a small chuckle, seemingly for the moment's sheer awkwardness. Poor guy. It's not his fault someone wrote a commercial for him to recite. Please see movies in theaters, everybody! When you don't, all this fanfare seems awfully silly. I like how every year, you can tell what's making Hollywood desperately insecure--like a couple years ago when Steve Martin had all the jokes about downloading.
Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep are doing a "spontaneous" bit where they pretend to go off the script. It's supposed to be Altman-esque. Pretty impressive considering how many people are botching the teleprompter reading for real. Okay, it's going on way too long now. How long can they talk over each other? What is going on?
Listening to Salma Hayek is like playing a guessing game. When she starts a word, you guess what word it's going to be. Then she inevitably surprises you. When she says Pride & Prejudice, "Pride" ends up with three syllables.
The only thing worse than long speeches are short speeches that are 50% lamenting the lack of time left in the speech. Especially when you get a few in a row. At least the microphones don't disappear into the stage this year.
Reese Witherspoon needs to hurry up and book a terrible action movie to follow in the tradition of Charlize Theron and Halle Berry.
Last year Dustin Hoffman seemed doped up or otherwise somehow brain-addled. It was embarrassing. He seems to be in better shape this year, but still awkward. Standing in front of everyone must make him uncomfortable. Why is it so hard to write about the Oscars without overusing the words "awkward" and "uncomfortable"?
Wow, Larry McMurtry is weird. He's like a bobbing, squeaky cartoon character. Larry, Brokeback wasn't a book, was it? Didn't Diana Osana just say it was a short story in the New Yorker?
Paul Haggis just collects Oscars now, doesn't he?
McDonald's commercial: A cute little Asian boy sits on a bench with a Ronald McDonald statue. It's snowing. The Asian boy puts his scarf on Ronald McDonald and walks away. "You did what with your scarf?! What's the matter with you? That scarf cost ten dollars! We're going back there right now!"
Oh wow, Crash for Best Picture? Paul Haggis has too many Oscars for two years. Can we just agree now that he can never have one again?