Saturday, February 18, 2006

Abandoned Baby

Here is a piece I wrote about two years ago that was never used for anything. I believe what happened was that National Lampoon's website didn't want it. Now you can see why! I was probably shooting for their College Corner section, hence the obnoxious college-y subject matter. I don't think I've posted this here before, but if I have, just remind me and I'll be embarrassed.

A Guide to Dormcest

So, you’re off to college and finally ready to find that special someone—that singular individual willing to do all those dirty things you heard the cool kids talking about back in high school. And because you’re not ready to indulge in the date-rape bacchanalia of frat parties, or because you’re a guy and frats won’t let you in, that means sooner or later you’ll fall back on dating someone in your own dorm, possibly even on your own floor, even though everyone warned you not to do it. Well, if you’re going to make this mistake, you might as well do it right. So before you get started, make sure you familiarize yourself with these important guidelines:

1. Choose your mate carefully.

Avoid those with too many roommates (i.e. living in triples). The more roommates you both have, the more people you will annoy with your behavior, and the more people will dedicate their lives to turning the entire floor against you.

Let’s say you’re making out with some girl on your floor. Let’s also say you’re a guy (the alternative, while hot, is far too distracting). Her roommates are trying hard to ignore it, but of course they can’t because you two are disgusting. Next thing you know, the whole building is talking about how you poison kittens for fun. Who do you think started that rumor? That’s right: your sister, right after she saw you poisoning a kitten eight years ago. But your girlfriend’s roommates wouldn’t be spreading that rumor if they weren’t so sick of watching you roll around sucking face in their already overcrowded room.

Needless to say, this problem is exacerbated when both parties live in triples, where slave-ship conditions make privacy that much harder to come by. It is not helped by the fact that you do indeed continue to poison kittens to this day.

2. Do not make out in common areas.

Chances are, people are already looking at you funny over the whole kitten thing. Don’t make it worse by making out in a hallway or a study lounge, fumbling with bra clasps and the like.

No wants to see the glops of saliva stretching between your parting lips after a sloppy, too-wet kiss. You make them envy the blind girl on the second floor, not only because she’s blind and does not have to witness your nauseating display, but also because if they had a cane like hers they could use it to hit your face.

There’s no gentle way to put this: If you make out in the hall, you will be more hated than that guy in the next building who looked the other way while his friend raped and killed a little girl in a Vegas restroom. At least his room doesn’t smell like dead kittens. Seriously, throw them out!

3. Don’t worry about whether your roommate is really asleep or only pretending.

Chances are, if he's actually awake and can hear you, he wishes he were dead, which is almost like being dead, which is almost like sleep. At least, that’s what you told yourself the first time you put Windex in Mittens’ water dish. And don't let your roommate’s muffled sobs distract you from doing the deed. He's not disgusted, he's just jealous. And frightened.

4. Sex in the co-ed showers.

So gross. Also, even if your rationale is that kittens are so cute and you love them so much that you just have to kill them, don’t share this with your mate, especially after telling her how cute she is and how much you love her.

5. Keeping your personal space.

If your significant other lives on your floor, that means you can and will see her all the time. She will never leave. Your relationship is still young; you need your space. If you don't get your space, it will be impossible to cheat on her.

So plan ahead: Date someone from another building and cheat on her with someone on your floor. This way, the cheating is convenient, and if you ever want to get away, just explain that you're going somewhere with your real girlfriend and she can't come. Bingo! You don't even need to have a real girlfriend, as long as the girl from your floor thinks that you do.

“Isn’t all this lying and cheating dishonest and immoral?” Big words from a kitty-poisoner.

5. Before beginning your affair, be sure to make friends with everyone else on your floor.

This way, you’ll be the good guy after the breakup and not a complete social pariah. You see, you’re going to break up, and it’s going to be ugly. Without this preliminary measure, people will only hear your ex’s side of the story once you break up, and they will all hate you.

Yes, your bland Dining Hall dinner will be seasoned with the salt of your tears as you sit alone at the next table, listening to your ex tell all your floormates about your obnoxious habits and your unsuccessful attempt to get her to poison kittens with you. Silently cursing her lies, you’ll debate whether you should save some kitten poison for her next time. Allow me to settle the issue for you: Cool it with the poison, already.


Tommaso Sciortino said...

I found it amusing. It's almost a perfect example of a running joke running away with the premis.

Simon said...

There's nothing I love more than excessive callbacks.

Zack said...

I didn't like all the kitten jokes. "Enough with the damn kitten callbacks!" I thought whle reading. In summary: kitten callbacks, no thanks.