Tuesday, December 20, 2005

The Films of 2005: A Year in Review, Part 4

It's the end of the year, and people are making lists and junk now. Best-of lists and whatnot. You know the drill.

Apparently I saw about thirty-four new movies this year. I have ranked them. I make no claim that this list reflects quality. It reflects nothing but my personal level of enjoyment, as best as that can be quantified.

I think this makes more sense than doing a best-of list. I haven't seen enough movies to decide what was the best of the year. But if you know all the movies I saw, you'll know the pool I'm drawing from.

Besides, "authoritative" best-of lists are full of shit anyway.

The list will be split into four sections. That way you will be spared the horror of my overlong posts. We will start at the bottom and count down (up). That way you will held in thrall by the suspense of guessing what tops the list.

Here we are in Part 4--the bottom of the list. This is the only section of the list where the movies are all unqualified failures.

Credit to Steve for triggering this avenue of thought and some friend of his for providing a link that helped me complete my list of movies.

2005 Movies Kenny Has Seen, Part Four: The Failures

29. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith - Honestly, at this point I can barely remember this movie. There was a bunch of lava and then Darth Vader. Before that--who knows? Some robot guy wheezing a lot, right? And R2 acting like Herbie?

30. Winter Solstice - A quiet, "subtle" family drama so quiet and subtle that it literally ends just as something is finally about to happen. Personally I prefer movies that have at least one event in them, but hey, that's me. Is it still considered subtlety when a movie hits you over the head with how subtle it is?

31. Tell Them Who You Are - A documentary about '70s cinematographer Haskell Wexler, made by Haskell Wexler's son. Wexler is a fascinating, hilarious prick--like Owen Wilson meets Bill Murray (asshole version). Way back when, he directed a decent movie called Medium Cool that was undone by a horribly stupid and pretentious ending. But his son is dull and mostly, so is this movie, which eventually feels meandering and tedious. It purports to be about fathers and sons, but really it's just about this father and this son, and you're left wondering why you just watched some guy's home movie about his bad relationship with his father.

32. Be Cool - Pointless, forgettable.

33. Fantastic Four - Thuddingly, impossibly dumb. Slapdash tone. Bland characters. First draft dialogue. Lame comedy, no drama, no tension, barely any action. Stunningly mediocre in every imaginable way. An embarrassment.

34. Dot the I - Smug, pretentious garbage. A textbook example of why self-referential postmodernism and "clever" twists that undermine the story are hacky dead-ends. If M. Night Shyamalan and Kevin Williamson co-wrote a script while retarded, you would have this movie. Just pure shit.

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