Ideally, get an abortion and save yourself a world of hassle. They even dispose of the fetus for you—all part of the service. Not only don’t you have to abandon it, you don’t even have to carry it to term or give birth to it! Isn’t that wonderful? And everyone will feel a lot better because if it’s not fully developed, it’s not murder. You know, like with retards. Or cripples. But only birth cripples. That’s why it used to be okay to drown them in a bathtub. Or am I thinking of kittens? No, it was girls in China. Anyway, remember: Abortion = more socially acceptable than leaving your baby in a sealed box in a dumpster. That should be the slogan.
But what if it’s too late for an abortion? What if you missed three periods and pregnancy just didn’t occur to you as a possibility? Maybe it’s normal to go nine months with no period. Maybe it’s early menopause and a belated Freshman Fifteen, all at once. Hey, it could happen. Oops, a baby just fell out of you onto the floor of your shower. Don’t you feel dumb! Now you’ve got to get rid of it. Well, fine. Here are some tips:
1) Learn from Linda Chu:
In 1997, Linda Chu, then a 20-year-old [USC] business major living in Century Apartments, was sentenced to 10 years in prison for killing her newborn and dropping her into a trash chute at Century.
The lesson: Don’t drop your dead baby down your own building’s trash chute. When people find a dead baby, they will probably suspect someone in your building, a category that includes you. You may think people never look in garbage. Newsflash: People sometimes look in garbage. You only get one chance to dispose of your dead baby, so do it right.
2) Learn from Holly Ashcraft:
[21-year-old USC student] Holly Ashcraft abandoned her baby in a cardboard box inside a dumpster at the rear of the 29th Street Café, said Cpt. Anita Ortega of the LAPD. Ortega said she did not think that Ashcraft had much contact with her family and lived within a one-mile radius of the cafe.
Note: According to the TV news people, “one-mile radius” = the building next door.
Okay, so you don’t dump the baby in your own building. The dumpster next door? Nice try, but still pretty lame. Have you ever seen a movie where the Mafia or somebody is trying to get rid of a dead body? Did they throw it in the dumpster next door where the homeless guy they hear digging for cans every night was sure to find it? No. They drove to some far-away place. Let this be your guide. Remember, you now have a dead person body—and yours is way easier to carry than the ones the Mafia has, so there’s no excuse.
“But I don’t want to go to a lot of trouble,” you say. “If I’d wanted that, I’d be taking care of babies instead of killing them. If I wanted that, I would listen to the bus bench ads that told me I could legally
Well, I’m sorry. Killing a baby is a big responsibility. If you didn’t want to deal with the consequences of killing a baby, maybe you shouldn’t have gotten pregnant. I know that sounds harsh, but I’m tough because I care.
Now you pick yourself up, take a deep breath, cut up that baby into unrecognizable pieces like the Mafia would, drive someplace far away, and put those pieces under ground or under water. If you choose underwater, put something in a bag with the pieces so they sink. That sounds obvious but a lot of baby-killers are clearly stupid, so you never know. These girls are supposed to be college-educated. That’s got to be embarrassing for USC.
Wait! Brainstorm! I’ve got it! Wood chipper! And that’s still from just thinking about movies. See what I mean? Take this seriously. Put some thought into it. If you don’t take the lazy way out, then good things will follow, like not spending 10 years in prison.