Thursday, October 13, 2005

How To Abandon Your Baby

Look, I’m not saying that all women who kill their newborns are stupid. After all, it’s the ones who get it right that we never hear about. But these girls who get caught are clearly not even thinking straight. If you’re going to kill your baby, here’s how:

Ideally, get an abortion and save yourself a world of hassle. They even dispose of the fetus for you—all part of the service. Not only don’t you have to abandon it, you don’t even have to carry it to term or give birth to it! Isn’t that wonderful? And everyone will feel a lot better because if it’s not fully developed, it’s not murder. You know, like with retards. Or cripples. But only birth cripples. That’s why it used to be okay to drown them in a bathtub. Or am I thinking of kittens? No, it was girls in China. Anyway, remember: Abortion = more socially acceptable than leaving your baby in a sealed box in a dumpster. That should be the slogan.

But what if it’s too late for an abortion? What if you missed three periods and pregnancy just didn’t occur to you as a possibility? Maybe it’s normal to go nine months with no period. Maybe it’s early menopause and a belated Freshman Fifteen, all at once. Hey, it could happen. Oops, a baby just fell out of you onto the floor of your shower. Don’t you feel dumb! Now you’ve got to get rid of it. Well, fine. Here are some tips:

1) Learn from Linda Chu:

In 1997, Linda Chu, then a 20-year-old [USC] business major living in Century Apartments, was sentenced to 10 years in prison for killing her newborn and dropping her into a trash chute at Century.

The lesson: Don’t drop your dead baby down your own building’s trash chute. When people find a dead baby, they will probably suspect someone in your building, a category that includes you. You may think people never look in garbage. Newsflash: People sometimes look in garbage. You only get one chance to dispose of your dead baby, so do it right.

2) Learn from Holly Ashcraft:

[21-year-old USC student] Holly Ashcraft abandoned her baby in a cardboard box inside a dumpster at the rear of the 29th Street Café, said Cpt. Anita Ortega of the LAPD. Ortega said she did not think that Ashcraft had much contact with her family and lived within a one-mile radius of the cafe.

Note: According to the TV news people, “one-mile radius” = the building next door.

Okay, so you don’t dump the baby in your own building. The dumpster next door? Nice try, but still pretty lame. Have you ever seen a movie where the Mafia or somebody is trying to get rid of a dead body? Did they throw it in the dumpster next door where the homeless guy they hear digging for cans every night was sure to find it? No. They drove to some far-away place. Let this be your guide. Remember, you now have a dead person body—and yours is way easier to carry than the ones the Mafia has, so there’s no excuse.

“But I don’t want to go to a lot of trouble,” you say. “If I’d wanted that, I’d be taking care of babies instead of killing them. If I wanted that, I would listen to the bus bench ads that told me I could legally abandon surrender my baby at the hospital.”

Well, I’m sorry. Killing a baby is a big responsibility. If you didn’t want to deal with the consequences of killing a baby, maybe you shouldn’t have gotten pregnant. I know that sounds harsh, but I’m tough because I care.

Now you pick yourself up, take a deep breath, cut up that baby into unrecognizable pieces like the Mafia would, drive someplace far away, and put those pieces under ground or under water. If you choose underwater, put something in a bag with the pieces so they sink. That sounds obvious but a lot of baby-killers are clearly stupid, so you never know. These girls are supposed to be college-educated. That’s got to be embarrassing for USC.

Wait! Brainstorm! I’ve got it! Wood chipper! And that’s still from just thinking about movies. See what I mean? Take this seriously. Put some thought into it. If you don’t take the lazy way out, then good things will follow, like not spending 10 years in prison.


lyan! said...

Kenny you're a bastard. But woodchippers are perfect for babbies since, there are no bones at the natal stage. You could probably drive by some tree trimmers and, assuming your aim was good, you could shoot the baby right on in faster than the crew could get your liscense plate, make and model.

Anyway, it proves my point about USC people. You are all Evil.

lydia said...

Or get Romie (or whoever pooped on our old apartment carpet) to dispose of baby for you.

We never did find Kenny's green towel.

Steve said...

You're leaving out the most obvious way to dispose of a dead baby: Cooking and eating it.

Okay, we can't expect a random chick tossing a baby in a dumpster to have read Johnathon Swift. But have they ever picked up a ham from the grocery store? You'd think they'd notice the similarities.

Or an even better idea: Cook the baby, than secretly feed it to your vegetarian/kosher/non-cannibal friends as a hilarious prank!

C said...

You could post a picture on the internet and tell people it was marzipan Then everyone would believe it was. And you wouldn't even have to throw it away.

Besides, LA county has a baby abandonment hotline. You just call them and they pick it up or something, or you leave it on an doorstep. Like big trash hauling. They write it on bus stops for a reason!!

matt said...

So it's okay to write about dead babies now?

Zack said...

In crossing a heath, suppose I pitched my foot against a stone, and were asked how the stone came to be there; I might possibly answer, that, for anything I knew to the contrary, it had lain there forever: nor would it perhaps be very easy to show the absurdity of this answer.

But suppose I had found a dead baby upon the ground, and it should be inquired how the dead baby happened to be in that place; I should hardly think of the answer I had before given, that for anything I knew, the baby might have always been there.

-William Paley, from his less popular "dead baby" argument in favor of intelligent design.

Meli said...

Oakland Children's Hospital has a whole protocol for "safe surrender." These girls are just stupid.


Anonymous said...

That was wonderful, Zack.