Thursday, August 25, 2005

Gator Aid

The Daily Breeze offers local idiots and half-wits a chance to weigh in on how to catch the alligator that's been running wild (minding its own business).

There's about a thousand Crocodile Hunter jokes, naturally, along with a few impressively detailed plans:

Maybe you could locate those gators at night and therefore maybe night-hunt them with two or three men and you've gotta use a wood boat, preferably flat bottom wooden boat with wooden oars. Can't have no metal sound and one man oars while the other two maybe stand with high beam head lamps like those miner's lamps. You should look maybe at the farthest distance from human sounds. Gators are maybe at the water's edges and the reeds. You can see their eyes. I think they look like little red dots and you need a self-tightening rope at the end of a fiberglass pole to get around the gator's leg or top jaw of his mouth and you gotta half-hitch his nose and control that tail. You cannot hit metal against metal, it's gotta be wood. Otherwise, maybe you could just leave the gators in there for duck control. Florida and the whole Gulf area lives with gators. I don't know why California can't live with them.

BRAXTON DENNIS, CARSON


The best, though:

How about praying about it? God knows how to capture that animal and we need prayers and wisdom. So, my answer is, let's pray.

MICHELLE MILLER, PALOS VERDES ESTATES


Listen, lady, God knows a lot of things, but that doesn't mean he sits around waiting to catch gators for us. You can go ahead and pray, but it probably shouldn't be our entire solution.

Ever hear of God helping those who help themselves? Just because you get hungry every morning doesn't mean you ask Him to make you an omelet.

"Dear God, today I would like it with ham and cheese. Please do not make it so runny like yesterday. I know you could make it nice and fluffy if you try. Amen."

She must be a Christian Scientist.

2 comments:

Steve said...

Stupid crap like this is why I never pay the slightest bit of attention to local news. Then again, perhaps entertainingly stupid crap like this is exactly why I *should* pay attention.

C said...

I thought about blogging this yesterday, but I couldn't bring myself to read the whole thing. It goes on FOREVER, and reads like a message board. It could have done with a bit more editing and a bit less transcribing directly from the answering machine. I really should have called in, I coulda gotten my name in the paper.