Friday, July 29, 2005

Stealth Bombs

Well, probably not. But let's hope it does, so someone can use that catchy headline. Never mind, they probably already have for their reviews.

On TiVo this week you can watch the first four minutes of Stealth. When Stephanie told me, I began speculating on what those first minutes would consist of.

Would the first four minutes be wasted on a credits sequence? Certainly not. Stealth, being the straight-ahead summer blockbuster it is, seems like the kind of movie without opening credits. Too cool for that. Open on us flying through a cloudy night sky. The word STEALTH will whoosh up and fill the screen. Then we will fly right through the letters, and we'll find ourselves alongside a speeding plane, already immersed in the action.

I was almost exactly right, with the following differences:

- I didn't consider that it's a Columbia picture, which means they are willing to mess with their logo, so we transition straight from the clouds in the logo to the clouds in the sky (Charlie's Angels did this, too).

- It is day, not night.

- Before STEALTH flies up, there are a few screens of expository text that go flying by, explaining about this high-tech new team of fighter pilots or some such thing.

- The biggest difference, the one that really threw me for a loop and shattered all cliches, is: We are indeed flying through clouds, but not forward. No, sir, not forward. We are in fact careening backwards through the sky, watching the Columbia logo and the surrounding clouds and the expository text disappear into the distance. Then the word STEALTH flies at us (surely at incredible speed, in order to catch up). Naturally, the letters fly through us, and it is now that the camera whips around and we are alongside planes in Explodey Fighting Action. At this point things get boring.

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