Monday, July 04, 2005

Brett Ratner, You Fuck

From IMDb news:

Brett Ratner is spicing up the new X-Men 3 movie with the addition of his very own fantasy - a sex siren mutant who seduces her opponents rather than battles them. Ratner takes over from departing director Bryan Singer, who made the first two movies, and the Rush Hour film maker is determined to leave his mark on the comic book series. The new mutant has not yet been cast but unknowns Kate Nauta and Aya Sumika will reportedly audition. A source tells Pagesix.com the mutant will be, "An unbelievably hot and sexy hooker. Her super power is that she secretes a pheromone that helps her to seduce men. She can seduce anyone." The source adds of the auditions, "They are open to all ethnicities who are in their early-to-mid 20s."


Ratner, you thoroughly mediocre hack-for-hire, if you had a signature style beyond paying homage to Scarface, maybe you wouldn’t have to scrounge up bargain-basement fanboy wank dreams to make your “mark” on a franchise. Why not just piss on the negative?

First of all, what kind of dumb asshole invents a superhero whose superpower is fucking? Oh, I’m sorry, “pheromones.” Yes, you just described Poison Ivy from Batman. And probably a million other things.

Granted, this is from a “source” and not Ratner himself, but how retarded do you have to be to get all worked up and excited telling people about this cool new character you describe as “An unbelievably hot and sexy hooker”?

*Confidential to Brett Ratner: If IMDb news is wrong again, then, Brett Ratner, I apologize. Also, Brett, if you've come across this page because your massive ego compels you to google yourself even though you're already successful, I didn't mean any of that stuff about you being mediocre or having a massive ego. Although if you're reading this, come on, I mean, you did google yourself, didn't you? Anyway, my point is I have some scripts I think you'd love. It would be great if you wanted to direct them and bring your unique stamp to each story. You can put in as many tropical Scarface backdrops and super-whores as you want. Love ya, pal.

5 comments:

matt said...

GAWD. I knew this would happen. This is going to be Batman Forever all over again.

Superman had better be one hell of a movie to justify Bryan Singer letting someone else ruin the X-Men franchise.

Anonymous said...

I just had a thought. What if in your Michael and Larkin script, instead of assassins, they were superwhores? That would spice things up.

- Steve

C said...

he he he. matt emotes in 12 year old girl expressions!

"First of all, what kind of dumb asshole invents a superhero whose superpower is fucking?"

Exactly how many people do you have to seduce to call it a superpower? Because, maybe, if it's not too many, I'd like to become a superhero. After this weekend, I have been slightly interested in making a new costume.

Zack said...

"Exactly how many people do you have to seduce to call it a superpower?"

Just one, if you do it in the name of justice.

Kenny said...

"Exactly how many people do you have to seduce to call it a superpower?"

My answer would be, "All of them."

And I think you can do it in the name of Justice or in the name of Evil. Just as long as you do it in the name of something.