Monday, April 11, 2005

Heuristic Squelch 14.6 - Apr 2005 - Issue Crit the Last

Cover: Good joke, very visual. I don’t like clowns, but you don’t ask me to. Quibbles: Why is the number the clown took down a completely different style of sign than the zeroes currently displayed? The edge of the sign he's holding looks Photoshopped, as does the handwritten number itself. Would have been better to use a font or actually write it on the prop. The Photoshop work on the wall-mounted sign and the banner look pretty clean, though. I would have enjoyed some blood on the steps, but maybe you couldn’t make a mess at the International House. I just realized, blood, violence and death are kind of a theme of this year’s covers—the car accident carnage, the blood Yahtzee, the HSN mishap. Were you guys conscious of this?

WFTT: First paragraph is hilarious. Fourth paragraph and last paragraph are weakest. Generally strong Loker nonsense style, more focused, which is nice, but it seems to run out of steam as it goes on.

DVD Commentary: Captures the voice and tone of commentaries. The dead-on voice is actually the funniest part here. The hints of how terrible the movie is are funny, but not standout. Did you know Top Gun was based on a magazine article called “Top Guns”? I’m taking a class right now with one of the screenwriters of Top Gun. We watched it in class. He blames director Tony Scott for the dripping homoeroticism of the volleyball scene.


Uphill has the ring of truth, though the assumption that a “typical humanities student’s” path begins at the BART station might be better described as a “typical seventh-year former dropout who’s already moved to San Francisco but has decided to return to school’s” path. I would guess that a more typical humanities student begins from an apartment already located in Berkeley, requiring a bus ride at most. It’s strange that a newsflash this self-evident took this long to be written. Maybe it’s an observation that takes seven years to crystallize, and thus, could only be written by Sean Keane.

Jackson / Babies – Alexander E. Drew’s newflashes are well-written and do a fine job of hewing to the newsflash format. They don’t break the tone with un-newslike language, which is a promising sign. Comedy-wise, they’re strong but not hilarious. Good instinct going for comedy of the mundane when doing a Michael Jackson premise. That alone makes it much funnier than a newsflash about Michael Jackson has any right to be these days.

Prison – A clever premise that could be more fleshed-out with education/prison recruiting parallels. It reads like someone thought it was a one-joke get-in, get-out newsflash and didn’t want to draw it out too long, but I think this idea could have gone further.

Iraqi Unification – Kind of scattershot. Is the Farsi part supposed to be strange letter characters or is that supposed to be a Farsi font that didn’t get PDF’ed correctly? On the upside, the tone of the writing is intentionally loose, which is better than when people try to sound very serious but miss the mark. Paragraphs 2 and 4 work best for me. Overall, though, the bracelets don’t suggest enough of a parallel to any actual policy (aside from, perhaps, the naïveté of actually believing it's possible to unify Iraq?) for the satire to really take off.

Top Tens: Duman is right in that there are an awful lot of retard jokes in this issue. That said, Euphemisms for Sex With the Retarded is pretty funny, and—hey, my name is in this list… “Kenny Byerly’s Junior Prom After-Party.” Hmm. Okay. Hm. I don’t completely understand it. Does this mean I’m a retard or that I have sex with retards? Maybe I just host parties where retards go at it? If this is about me having sex with retards, you can’t judge from that prom picture. Yeah, Cindy’s a little cross-eyed, but just a little, and some Asian girls just look cross-eyed in pictures sometimes.

Well, objectively speaking, this joke is very funny. Not too explicit, relying on the implications of a post-prom party. And singling out a real person, I always find, is pretty hilarious…

You know, just because it’s so mean…

And I like mean comedy…

Okay, you know what, guys? The joke is really on you, because I never even had sex in high school. That’s right, I signed a True Love Waits abstinence pledge, and I didn’t even try to get around it with sodomy like all the kids today do, so there. I couldn’t have had sex with retards at my Junior Prom after-party.

I didn’t even kiss anybody, and Cindy had to go home early, so I was actually alone at the after-party. Ha! Didn’t count on that, did you? Alone and bored at the after-party, sitting on the stairs while couples in the family room fell asleep watching The Ghost and the Darkness. I think I talked to Sarah for like a minute, and then she left. Ha, again. Ha ha!




Oh, god.

Oh, god, you guys hate me.

Everybody hates me. I knew it.

I have to go cry. I mean, go. I have to go.


Kevin said...

Best Critique ever.

Simon said...


But hey, remember that part in Ghost and the Darkness when Val Kilmer imagines his wife and their new baby arriving on the train and then that lion just fucking smashes her into the ground?
That was hilarious.

Sarah said...

Dude. Don't blame me. Matt W. was my date, and he was a hottie. I never got anywhere with him, though. (I blame Nicole, myself, and Justine, in that order.) Can I just tell you I'm STILL bitter about that? God, I was such a dope. And I didn't even sign one of those dumb pledges. I think I need to go cry, too. Or rather, be depressed at my desk, because I'm at work.