Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Hello, Everybody! Welcome to the Program

We've got a great show for you tonight.

Michael Moore has started a college scholarship. This will mark the first time the poor college student receiving a scholarship is better dressed than the rich guy who created it.

Michael Moore's scholarship will be awarded to students willing to disobey their school's administration. It's called the "A Lot of Good This is Going to Do Me Now That I'm Kicked Out of School" Scholarship.

Ashton Kutcher said that if his new movie, A Lot Like Love, was number one at the box office, he would model for underwear ads. Just in case you needed another reason not to see A Lot Like Love.

In a speech, President Bush said, quote, "it sure would be helpful" if Congress would pass a long-delayed bill. To which Congress replied, "Fine, you don't have to get passive-aggressive about it."

Mitch Albom, the author of Tuesdays with Morrie and The Five People You Meet in Heaven, is in trouble for making up facts in his newspaper column. Right now he's working on his next book, The Five People I'll Meet in Hell.

The new movie Monster in Law comes out soon, starring Jennifer Lopez and Jane Fonda. Filmmakers had hoped to cast the trifecta of most-loathed women in America, but Martha Stewart was unavailable.

Congress is still fighting over whether or not to approve John Bolton's nomination as UN ambassador. I don't blame them. Have you heard this guy's music?

Some people worry that making longtime UN-hater John Bolton a UN ambassador would piss off other countries. Responding to these concerns, the Bush administration stated, "Duh."

The new Pope, Benedict XVI, has an email address now. In fact, he's already gotten a great deal on refinancing the Vatican, and he's added three inches to his Pope hat.

The Pope plans to use the email address to better communicate with the faithful. Catholics say the only problem is, he keeps forwarding jokes about "Jesus, St. Peter, and Me on a boat."

Porn star Mary Carey was arrested at a strip club, for violating LA laws against strippers getting too close to customers and touching themselves in a sexual manner. Which begs the question: Why even have strip clubs any more?

Increased airport security has made smuggling Ecstasy pills from Europe harder than ever. Thanks a lot, War on Terror. Like I'm not swallowing enough Ziplock bags on a string already.

New calculations show that moderately overweight people actually have a lower risk of death than people of normal weight. But it turns out this is just because they have more cushioning when they get hit by cars.

We've got a great show for you here tonight. The very lovely, the very talented Sarah Michelle Gellar is here.

Thank you. We've also got Eugene Levy, and after that, Queens of the Stone Age.

Stick around!


Meli said...

You might recall that Matt had something to say about the whole LA strip club issue a few summers ago!

Kenny said...

Indeed I do. Would that my joke were so colorful, illustrated, or funny.