Saturday, February 19, 2005

Gunsmith Pussycat

Speaking of Gunsmith Cat Rally Vincent, it looks like someone else has carefully considered the implications of a relationship.


Looks: A genuinely attractive young woman, with her deep brown eyes and coppery skin adding to her appeal (she probably has her fair share of scars, but they are mostly small and 'decorative' so far). Lean and athletic, her figure is complimented by the business-like outfits she prefers when working at either job. Be warned that stress or disfiguring injury may eventually take it√Ęs toll on her appearance if she continues to indulge in her 'hobby'.

Personality: Refreshingly sane. At 19, the _very_ unpleasant aspects of humanity Rally often deals with have not come close to souring her on people in general and she retains a high (sometime foolishly so) reluctance to kill if it is remotely avoidable and will not endanger innocents even if it means her own life. She is fiercely loyal to (and can sometimes prove insufferably overprotective of) those she is close to so expect to be shielded from danger whether or not you think it appropriate. Her only two vices... make that obsessions... are cars and guns, it would be unwise to ask her to part with either for you.

Home Economics: She and Minnie May Hoskins seem to keep the suburban home they share rather well kept (the latter seems to do most of the cooking though). Know that Rally has apparantly learned self reliance at an early age and will not have any tolerance for waiting on you hand and foot. (Warning: the car(s) and arsenal/firing range _will_ be kept spotless, Or Else)

Competition: Not much aside from her jobs and hobbies. There may be something beginning to percolate between her and a detective in the local precinct of the CPD (more on his part than her's), but if you gain her attention it would probably die stillborn as he pines away silently.

Children: Convincing Rally to have children is a potential problem given that she is a confirmed career woman. More importantly, given the nature of her bounty hunting work and antisocial attitudes of her targets she is fairly likely to leave any children she bears orphaned at an early age. It would be best to hold off on procreation until she can be convinced to give up her self-proclaimed 'hobby'.

Sex: Rally has had little if any experience thus far, but would probably a fairly enthusiasic and agressive bedmate once things got going (don't expect her to indulge in the more exotic techniques unless Minnie May has been giving her pointers ;). You may want to note that she's at her most... enthusiastic after an hour or so on the firing range (take this as you will).

Overall: The big problem is her bounty hunting and the number of enemies she leaves alive (people tend to hold grudges when they lose thumbs or hands), and any involvement with her would be very stressful and quite possibly fatal to the relationship (not to mention you) because of this. If you can work past this or convince her to retire you would probably have a blissful life together although it's length may be another thing entirely.

The "return to list" link doesn't work, which is disappointing, because I'd like to see how many other prospects he's evaluated. You can pick out the homepage easily enough, but I can't find the path back to any kind of anime girl list.


Christa said...

Man. Seems like it's been ages since I read any amusing snippets from a good ol' fashioned otaku. I particularly love how looks are listed before behavior, and how cooking and children come before sex. What a refreshingly enlightened sense of order.

Zack said...

Hmm, "christa", I think you are misinterpreting the dude's review of Rally Vincent. To me it feels like he just put off sex until the last possible moment. Obviously a responsible and thorough review of Rally Vincent as a potential mate would need to cover intercourse but, at the same time, the dude doesn't want to come off as strange or perverted. I think he consciously chose not to offer his sex-analysis too eagerly. That's all. You're right on looks v. personality, though.

I have no idea who you are, but regarding the fork/spoon question on your profile page, the answer is NO. Forks "evolved", so to speak, from knives. Note the similar stabbing functions. Knives, or rather sharp edges, are of course the oldest utensils, then spoons, then forks. I don't know where chopsticks figure into this. Anyhow,when forks were invented, they overlapped knife functionality, not spoon functionality.

Christa said...

Well, "big stupid jerkface," while I may not agree with you on the perversion levels of otaku or the proper evolution of the spork -- oh when will the endless utensil wars ever cease? -- I'll just say this: I'm going to start referring to myself in quotations from this point on. "Hello, I'm 'Christa!'" I might even make with the Dr. Evil "laser" fingers when I do it, too, just to make the level of awesomeness complete.

As to who I am, I think Kenny and I used to have mutual-type whippersnappering friends somewhere along the line. At any rate, we both had humorous n' pontificatory articles up at the now-defunct about thirty bazillion years back, if memory serves correctly. Which it probably doesn't, since I just used the word whippersnappering with proper old fogey aplomb.