Friday, January 07, 2005

Smoking = Cool

People try to stop kids from smoking by telling kids that smoking isn’t “cool.” That’s a lie. Tell kids whatever you want, but smoking is cool. Of course, you don’t have to smoke to be cool, and you can smoke and be lame, but the act of smoking is fundamentally a cool thing.

Is it bad for you? Yes. And that is the definition of what cool is. Cool is not giving a fuck. Cool is smoking the cigarette, driving fast, sex without a condom, taking risks. If you’re lucky you won’t die young but probably you will. That’s the price you pay for being cool. Not everyone is willing to do it. So they half-ass their coolness, and they live longer, good for them. The price of living longer is being less cool. Deal with it. You can’t have everything. You can’t be cool and live a long time. Occasionally, some people do, but they sold their souls to the devil. So again, trade-offs. Make your choice and live with it.

That’s why movie stars smoke, that’s why the cool kids smoke. It’s no fluke, no mistake. Smoking is cool and that’s why many cool people do it. It won’t make you cool on its own, but dang, it looks fucking badass. It’s a coolness enhancer. The whole point of blowing secondhand smoke in some lame schmoe’s face is to rub it in how you don’t give a fuck. The hell with cancer, buddy, I’m cooler than you right now.

It smells bad and stains your teeth and fucks up your breath, but who cares? It’s cool. Maybe the lame schmoe will come back when you’re on a respirator to laugh at you, but he’s probably got better things to do, so don’t sweat it. Besides, that shit is in the future, and cool is living in the now.

So maybe you are dying at 50 and lame schmoe is there. Let’s pretend. He’s laughing at you because you’re dying. So what? He’s 50, too. He may be alive, but he’s not cool and at 50, he never will be. He missed his shot. Maybe if he buys some beer for kids, they’ll be like, “Hey old man, you’re cool,” but what little sincerity there actually is in that statement is residual coolness brought about by helping others be genuinely cool—i.e. harming themselves in the pursuit of short-term pleasure.

So lame schmoe “gets to see his kids grow up.” Big deal, you got the gist of it. They can make a computer enhancement of their high school photos for you, if you care so damn much.

Just do us a favor when you die. Don’t whine about it, and tell your damn kids not to whine about it. “My daddy’s gone, now I have to appear in anti-smoking ads.” Remember when you were young and smoking and lame people were like, “Hey, that’s bad for you,” and you were like, “I’m going to enjoy life and die young, and that’s better than living a long boring life.” Well, now’s the time for you to own up to that. Don’t be all, Waa, waa, waa, the Tobacco Companies made me do it. I knew it was killing me, but I didn’t know dying was going to suck so much. If you do that, now you’re a crybaby, and crybabies are totally lame. If you do that, you squander all your coolness capital and you give lame people a reason to pat themselves on the back by revealing that you weren’t cool after all, you were just a shortsighted pussy.

So die with some goddamn dignity. Put on your cool face and stick a cigarette in your respirator. So you’re dying. Remember, you’re cool—you don’t give a fuck. Better yet, don’t give the cancer or heart disease a chance: Think overdose, car crash, or suicide. Those are the cool ways to die, and much faster so you don’t have to drag it out and look so pathetic. If you must get a disease, get AIDS and lock in your sympathy. People love that shit.


Meli said...

I am burning to know what set you off on this rant. And for the record, I am not cool, never have been, and most likely never will be. I'm wearing an argyle cardigan right now- doesn't that say it all?

C said...

oh my gosh, smoking really is cool. i was just watching all the cool boys taking their smoking break, and the one, not cool boy, trying to be cool by standing with them. it was like an unsuccessful after school special...i imagine he might start smoking if he wasn't such a freak.