America is more polarized than ever before, and no issue is more divisive than the Hilary Duff/Lindsay Lohan feud. Therefore, it is imperative to take an impartial look at the issues so fans can decide for themselves who deserves superstardom and who deserves tabloid headlines about how drunk and knocked up she is. Both stars have their strengths. Sure, Hilary Duff can draw on her Lizzie McGuire fanbase, but Lindsay Lohan has a lot going for her too, like the fact that she doesn’t look like Hilary Duff, and tits.
Let’s compare track records. Hilary Duff catapulted from Disney-Channel niche star to inexplicable big-screen sensation with The Lizzie McGuire Movie, in which she switches places with her doppelganger and lives the pop star life. Compare this to Lindsay Lohan’s debut, The Parent Trap, in which she switches places with her doppelganger yet does not live the pop star life, and Freaky Friday, in which Lindsay Lohan switches places with Jamie Lee Curtis (not her doppelganger) and performs rock music, suggesting a possible pop-star life in her future. Note that Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen explores pop star fantasies in further depth without the burden of switching places or bodies (with or without a doppelganger). Here we see that Lohan spreads the required tropes of doppelgangers, switching places, and pop star fantasies over three movies, while Duff packs all three devices into one film.
We can attribute this to the fact that Lohan’s commanding screen presence holds our interest and allows nuanced examinations of these issues one or two at a time, while Duff’s blankness requires that the filmmakers throw in all their gimmicks at once in order to disguise her ineptitude. Also, keep in mind that Lindsay Lohan is a gorgeous princess and Hilary Duff is a disgusting cow. Advantage: Lohan.
How has each star fared in their first forays outside the Disney banner? Duff starred in A Cinderella Story, coasting on the Disney/Cinderella association and appearing in posters wearing a white wedding dress—inappropriate for a high school movie—and pink sneakers. Thumbs up for the pink Converse Chuck Taylor All Stars, thumbs down for the thought of Hilary Duff’s awful feet inside them. Pity that guy giving her a piggy back ride. Piggy back, indeed. Oink!
Lohan, on the other hand, headlined the Tina Fey-penned Mean Girls, a complex, edgy comedy satirizing the idiotic behavior of teenage girls. Like anything up to and including a snuff film, Mean Girls is better than A Cinderella Story, ergo, you know the drill. Hilary Duff sucks, but not on any of my appendages, because I would prefer Lindsay Lohan for that, if I were single and Lindsay Lohan wanted to. Advantage: The opposite of Hilary Duff.
Upcoming projects: Lindsay Lohan is working on the Love Bug remake Herbie: Fully Loaded. Herbie the Love Bug kicks ass all over the place, but imagine if Hilary Duff were in the lead: Yuck. Poor Herbie. Good thing it’s Lindsay Lohan. Meanwhile, Hilary Duff is working on some dumb thing that will be crappy.
On the matter of music careers: I cannot name a Lindsay Lohan song, but I have heard the Hilary Duff song “So Yesterday.” Advantage: Lohan.
Hilary Duff’s emergence from the statutory rape zone is currently awaited with an eagerness not seen since the pre-legal Olsen twins, until Mary-Kate spoiled the fantasy by becoming a strung-out anorexic head case. (Anyone who finds either or both of the Olsen twins incredibly sexy should just go ahead and fantasize about Ben Stiller’s wife Christine Taylor, who looks exactly like them except less troll-like and less plural.)
Lindsay Lohan has courteously spared us months of disturbing countdown websites by turning eighteen promptly after becoming a sex symbol. Admittedly, Lindsay Lohan has grown chunkier of late. But would you rather have sex with a voluptuous hot chick or a skinny toxic mutant? Me too (I am assuming you did not choose the mutant). Besides, look at Lindsay Lohan’s tits. They are huge. There is a chance they are even not fake, and that the prominent scars in those paparazzi pictures were merely under-breast redness with a perfectly non-surgical explanation. You can believe what you like, as long as it is this.
To sum up, if you think Hilary Duff is an object of lust you are a pervert. It's fine if you're a young girl and you admire her ordinariness because it makes her a more realistic role model, like those ugly dolls that they tried to sell instead of Barbie to improve girls’ self-esteem. Hilary Duff has no shape, fat ankles and an ugly face and the only possible appeal is that she's jailbait, if you're into that sort of thing. What I am trying to say is that if I were single and having sex with seventeen-year-olds were okay and Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan each asked me to have sex, I would say "Yes" to Lindsay Lohan and "No" to that dog Hilary Duff. If they wanted to have a threesome I would tell Hilary Duff to go away and then tell Lindsay Lohan to get that girl who played her twin in The Parent Trap.