Saturday, October 23, 2004

Hilary Duff vs. Lindsay Lohan: An Objective Look

America is more polarized than ever before, and no issue is more divisive than the Hilary Duff/Lindsay Lohan feud. Therefore, it is imperative to take an impartial look at the issues so fans can decide for themselves who deserves superstardom and who deserves tabloid headlines about how drunk and knocked up she is. Both stars have their strengths. Sure, Hilary Duff can draw on her Lizzie McGuire fanbase, but Lindsay Lohan has a lot going for her too, like the fact that she doesn’t look like Hilary Duff, and tits.

Let’s compare track records. Hilary Duff catapulted from Disney-Channel niche star to inexplicable big-screen sensation with The Lizzie McGuire Movie, in which she switches places with her doppelganger and lives the pop star life. Compare this to Lindsay Lohan’s debut, The Parent Trap, in which she switches places with her doppelganger yet does not live the pop star life, and Freaky Friday, in which Lindsay Lohan switches places with Jamie Lee Curtis (not her doppelganger) and performs rock music, suggesting a possible pop-star life in her future. Note that Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen explores pop star fantasies in further depth without the burden of switching places or bodies (with or without a doppelganger). Here we see that Lohan spreads the required tropes of doppelgangers, switching places, and pop star fantasies over three movies, while Duff packs all three devices into one film.

We can attribute this to the fact that Lohan’s commanding screen presence holds our interest and allows nuanced examinations of these issues one or two at a time, while Duff’s blankness requires that the filmmakers throw in all their gimmicks at once in order to disguise her ineptitude. Also, keep in mind that Lindsay Lohan is a gorgeous princess and Hilary Duff is a disgusting cow. Advantage: Lohan.

How has each star fared in their first forays outside the Disney banner? Duff starred in A Cinderella Story, coasting on the Disney/Cinderella association and appearing in posters wearing a white wedding dress—inappropriate for a high school movie—and pink sneakers. Thumbs up for the pink Converse Chuck Taylor All Stars, thumbs down for the thought of Hilary Duff’s awful feet inside them. Pity that guy giving her a piggy back ride. Piggy back, indeed. Oink!

Lohan, on the other hand, headlined the Tina Fey-penned Mean Girls, a complex, edgy comedy satirizing the idiotic behavior of teenage girls. Like anything up to and including a snuff film, Mean Girls is better than A Cinderella Story, ergo, you know the drill. Hilary Duff sucks, but not on any of my appendages, because I would prefer Lindsay Lohan for that, if I were single and Lindsay Lohan wanted to. Advantage: The opposite of Hilary Duff.

Upcoming projects: Lindsay Lohan is working on the Love Bug remake Herbie: Fully Loaded. Herbie the Love Bug kicks ass all over the place, but imagine if Hilary Duff were in the lead: Yuck. Poor Herbie. Good thing it’s Lindsay Lohan. Meanwhile, Hilary Duff is working on some dumb thing that will be crappy.

On the matter of music careers: I cannot name a Lindsay Lohan song, but I have heard the Hilary Duff song “So Yesterday.” Advantage: Lohan.

Hilary Duff’s emergence from the statutory rape zone is currently awaited with an eagerness not seen since the pre-legal Olsen twins, until Mary-Kate spoiled the fantasy by becoming a strung-out anorexic head case. (Anyone who finds either or both of the Olsen twins incredibly sexy should just go ahead and fantasize about Ben Stiller’s wife Christine Taylor, who looks exactly like them except less troll-like and less plural.)

Lindsay Lohan has courteously spared us months of disturbing countdown websites by turning eighteen promptly after becoming a sex symbol. Admittedly, Lindsay Lohan has grown chunkier of late. But would you rather have sex with a voluptuous hot chick or a skinny toxic mutant? Me too (I am assuming you did not choose the mutant). Besides, look at Lindsay Lohan’s tits. They are huge. There is a chance they are even not fake, and that the prominent scars in those paparazzi pictures were merely under-breast redness with a perfectly non-surgical explanation. You can believe what you like, as long as it is this.

To sum up, if you think Hilary Duff is an object of lust you are a pervert. It's fine if you're a young girl and you admire her ordinariness because it makes her a more realistic role model, like those ugly dolls that they tried to sell instead of Barbie to improve girls’ self-esteem. Hilary Duff has no shape, fat ankles and an ugly face and the only possible appeal is that she's jailbait, if you're into that sort of thing. What I am trying to say is that if I were single and having sex with seventeen-year-olds were okay and Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan each asked me to have sex, I would say "Yes" to Lindsay Lohan and "No" to that dog Hilary Duff. If they wanted to have a threesome I would tell Hilary Duff to go away and then tell Lindsay Lohan to get that girl who played her twin in The Parent Trap.


Buster Van Buren said...

My friends always tell me that I obsess a little too much and spend too much time working on my sites. It's refreshing to see that someone else apparently has even MORE time than me to ponder priority topics like this one. Well done! I agree with you by the way, though Lohan is no goddess (WAY too many freckles for my taste), at least she has had the good sense of letting her self get photographed with a "nipple slip", which is something that Duff's publicist hasn't had the good sense to exploit yet. By the way, as marginally appealing as Duff may be, her sister is about three levels down in the "dog-o-meter"...I would pick the younger Duff over the older Duff in a heartbeat.

lydia said...

As much as I dislike Hilary Duff (and I agree with Other Commentor that Other Duff is even less attractive, and on a side note, more Morman looking), I can't say I like Lindsay Lohan much more. I *certainly* wouldn't sleep with her, not even if the other person involved in the threesome were Angelina Jolie. Does Stephanie read your blog, Kenny?

Ontario Emperor said...

If Duff had been a teenager in the 80s, she would have made a great Friend of a Cosby Kid.

Christa said...

Dude, no sane person would date a teen queen. The loud preteen-type "EEEE!" noises from their fans alone would give anyone within a five-mile radius an immediate aneurism.

Not that women are my bag, but Catherine Zeta-Jones or Nicole Kidman have GOT to be far better Hot Woman choices here in Sanity Land. Let's all shout hurrah for women with brains and talent to match their looks. Incidentally, this is why Michael Douglas is a gross but lucky old coot, and why Tom Cruise still remains a moronic lameass.

Zack said...

I really want to comment on this post, but I really have nothing to say. Christine Taylor, Angelina Jolie, Catherine Zeta Jones pre-baby, and countless other women not yet mentioned on this blog are far more attractive than either Lohan or Duff. I guess if people acted rationally all the time, Nike and Apple wouldn't be rolling in money. Well, I'm no better.

C said...

as much as i can't condone hilary duff hate, congrats on drawing strangers to you blog. but you did mention the reason i like her. i like hilary duff, because i like the show lizzie mcguire. I like lizzie because she is who i wish i was at that age. and i think she's pretty, but that may just be because i like blondes with curls (which she has sometimes on the show)

as far as sex goes, give me gordo, the best friend on the show. he turned 20 in september according to imdb (which has been know to lie, take for example Gina Hiraizumi who went to high school with me, yet somehow magically lost 3 years somewhere.)

Anonymous said...

I concur that the Lizzie McGuire factor is overlooked when considering Hilary Duff's fame. It's like Jennifer Aniston getting to star in tons of movies because people liked Rachel on "Friends".

However, Lindsay Lohan is overrated, because famous girls with red hair don't have to be nearly as pretty as non-redheads. Just ask Alison Hannigan or Clare Danes (who isn't even a real redhead). Tina Fey is also overrated in the same way that Janeane Garofalo was overrated, in that many people think that no one else besides them finds intelligent brunettes appealing, so they think their attraction for these women is more unique and special. Sarah Silverman is also in this category.

I would take Lohan, Duff, or Christine Taylor over either Olsen twin.


Anonymous said...

I think that Hilary Duff is a fantastic singer/actress and Lindsay Lohan is a slut who needs to get a life. I hate it when people bag Hilary i think most people are just jeolous you people need to get lives if you actually like Lindsay god open your eyes shes a whore. Even though i loved her movie the Parent Trap, she was young then now shes a bitch who bags Hilary for no odd reason. How did Hilary know she was going out with Aaron, aaron is a player, but Lindsay just had to keep this feud going on saying stuff about Hilary and getting mad that she was doing a movie with Chad Micheal Murray, god Chad Micheal Murray is not the property of Lindsay he can do a movie with whoever he likes and when Lindsay did a scene in Saturday Night Live about Hilary like come on she needs to move on. Hilary doesnt even say bad stuff to Lindsay shes trying to make up with her but Lindsay just wont stop. Thats why Hilary is better that Lindsay.

Anonymous said...

hooray! I love dialogues like this--and I mean it in a completely non-ironic way.

Anonymous said...

Hi Kenny, this is Tammy.
Going on looks alone, i do not know how you can think Lindsay Lohan is more attractive. You are crazy! Lindsay Lohan looks like a starved wet rat with a massive cocaine problem. Hilary Duff is WAY hotter, and she toned up her flabby arms. And when they were both at the peak of their fatness, Lindsay was way fatter. Ew. She's gross. And I kicked it with her ex, so HA.